(My friends will hate me for this, but I’ve always had this in my thoughts wanting to write it on paper,just never got to it)
I guess I’m one of those people. One of those people who probably had a good thing but let it slip.
I don’t know. Did I have a good thing?
When things first started out between us, we were slowly getting to understand each other. At the time I was able to get a glimpse of who you were. You were sweet and kind. I remember that night where you sat between my legs as I grabbed your hand and traced your palm lines. You looked into my eyes as if you were searching for an answer to why I was so weird.
Then comes the part of the story where a couple of months ago, I couldn’t come to terms with. I messed things up. Yes I did. You turned into this cold, distant person because of what I did. While I still do not condone what you did to me, I understand why you did it.
And that question will always linger. What If?
What if I didn’t tell you “it’s best if we keep things professional?”
Where would we be right now? What would we be?
I guess it’s not until you see that person with someone else happy that the question sometimes crosses your mind.
One of my friends told me he wish I didn’t say those words just to see what we would be so that his point could be proven that we wouldn’t have worked out.
I would have loved to see it too. At least I would fully know that we aren’t compatible instead of the annoying question of what if
And by the looks of things, I’ll never know the answer to that question. And as each day passes, I am becoming okay with having that question unanswered, because I learned a lot about myself and my downfalls.
I learned that too often (maybe because I’m a journalist), that I observe and analyze others instead of turning the microscope onto myself and doing the same. These past few months I have finally turned the microscope onto myself and realized a lot.
Going through the motions of heartbreak I would often blame you as the main reason why things failed. When in reality it takes two to tango and I realized that I am also a part if not a huge part of why things failed.
“Please forgive me for saying it’s all your fault. A heavy heart can’t carry blame for the loss.”-Frank Ocean, “pyrite”
I now know that when I have another shot at love, I won’t blow it based on impulse. I won’t rush them to open up to me knowing that they’ve been in numerous situations where people have betrayed them. I won’t place them in a box in my mind and every time they do something I deem a characteristic of that box, place them in it and tell them I did. I’ll take my time and love them in slow motion. I’ll love them with a passion they’ve never felt before.
I’ll love them like how I wish I could have loved you.
I know Abel is about to drop a hot track soon….I CAN FEEL IT. He didn’t tweet “fun month of april” and post a picture on instagram with “let the thirst begin” for nothing!! I’m ready Abel…..just give it to me :/